Starting Over

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't

I've started over a few times in life. Going away to college is probably the most common start over. You get to leave your high school self behind and move to another town, maybe even another state, all by yourself. No one knows you, how you dressed or talked, who you were friends with or dated, or lack of friends or dates. You're only 18 years old or so and you can completely reinvent yourself. Or be yourself, the you you've always wanted to be. It's scary, but it's also fucking awesome. 

Then I graduated from college and got a job. And started over again. New place to live, new set of friends, new wardrobe (because I sure as hell couldn't go to work in those sweatpants and tube tops). I had a (very) little money in my pocket and, at 21, could actually legally waltz into any bar of my choosing for happy hour. Or with a group of friends on a Saturday night, getting hit on by guys and debating which of the Sex and the City girls everyone resembled (hey, I came up in the 90s, lay off). I ate a lot of ramen and had shitty furniture but goddamn it felt good.

You laugh until you cry

You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

And then there are other start overs in life.

As of a month ago, I've started over. Big time. Hit the reset button on my life. At 34, I'm living with my parents in the burbs and raising my infant daughter by myself. I'm unemployed and job-hunting. My life has changed so drastically in the past two years. Some days, my glass is half-full. It feels wonderful to be back home. I can eat Portillo's. I can watch Sox games. I can see Kiddo grow up around her grandparents and family. The future is wide open, the possibilities are endless. Kiddo and I are safe and healthy, and that's the most important thing of all. 

Other days, my glass is half-empty. I can get overwhelmed with sadness and feelings of WTF Has Happened To My Life? I hate being dependent on others and hope the job search proves fruitful soon. I have been isolated for so long that it's hard to reconnect with people. So much has changed, my social life (and blogging topics) will inevitably change as well. It won't always be easy.

But I'm free.

And have a fabulous new haircut.

And am writing again.

Slowly.

All I can do is give it time. 


No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again