If I Was Your Boyfriend

Hey, Justin Bieber. Mm. Mmm. You soundin' good. I was driving in my car the other day and your song "Boyfriend" came on. I liked it. I didn't know it was you, actually. I thought it was some long-lost Justin Timberlake jam. All sultry and whatnot. Bumpin my head to it. Yeah. The lyrics sucked me in. You say if you were my boyfriend, you'd never let me go? You got money in your hands that you'd really like to blow? Well, that's ok by me. I like to eat. Yeah, that's right. Why don't I pick you up and we can hit up the Red Lobster? You know their garlic cheesy biscuit things? You like them? Sure you do, baby. You like them. And they're complimentary. You don't even have to blow that money on them. You can save it for other things, like this wood-grilled lobster they've got right now. It's really good. Mmm. 

I like how your song has a pre-hook to your hook. I like how you use the word "swaggie." You've taken the word "swagger," worked with it, made it your own. That's hot.

Ok, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't do this. Look, you're really cute. And your new song is really good. But you're just way too young for me. I mean, I'm not that old and I do still look really good, but I just can't get into the younger guy thing. I never really have. Maybe I could have gotten into this more if you were Justin Timberlake. He's still younger than me, but far closer in age, plus he can grow scruffy facial hair and I can pretend. I can't even pretend with you. 

Well, actually, I can pretend that you're season one A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila winner Dani Campbell. You look a lot like her, but I'm sure I'm not the first one who has told you this.

I've gotten way more into the butchy lesbians as I've gotten older, too. I don't know what it is. When I was younger, I was all "If I want a man, I'll date a man. Now put on that lipstick, girls, and dance for me." But later I found myself staring longer at the butches and wondering if I needed to set my compass to forty degrees longitude and k.d. degrees langitude. 

Hi Dani. Mm. Mmm. I like your smile. And your hair. And the fact that you're a firefighter. Oh yeah, I knew that. That's hot. Do you like music? Do you like Justin Timberlake? Me too.

Most everyone looks good in a ribbed tank top, in my opinion. No matter your size or swagger. I mean, swaggie. But Justin Bieber, I just can't get down. I know you want to be my Buzz Lightyear, but that's the problem right there. I'm a Grover girl, not an Elmo girl. It's a generational thing. But don't worry, sweetie. I can still bop my head to your sweet jam.

I just might be making jelly with my girl Dani.

Hi Dani. Hi.