Princesses LUV Puppies Party

 I love The Real Housewives of Anywhere series. I would watch The Real Housewives of Hialeah, Florida if they made it. (I got that by googling "Most boring city in USA.")  I don't know what it is about the series that makes me love it so. I feel like they are all idiots, yet I would totally be real-life friends with them at the same time. They've harnessed it and served it up on a plate for me, whatever "it" is.

Let's talk about Alexis, can we? (Yes, we can, because it's my blog.) She is already over-the-top ridiculousness for so many reasons:

*Playboy Barbie Biblethumper married to THIS guy:

*She's serious about her career as a newscaster. Though she herself has admitted that she's "no Katie Couric yet," she is on her way as seen in this interview with someone named Dr. Booty.

                                     

*She also has her own clothing line (duh), on which she worked really hard by telling a hired designer some of her ideas and then critiquing the final product, thus resulting in a serious of basically colorful sacks. She models them herself, of course.        

                                                 

                               

Also, what is going on here? Who was the ad guy for this layout? Who ok'ed all of these squatting/crouching positions and faux startled faces? I'm guessing Alexis, which is why it turned out so amazing:

Ok so you get my point. Alexis is awesome.

I know what you're thinking... Alexis is a career-driven woman! She's an industry powerhouse! What with the newscasting and fashion designing and modeling and Real Housewifing. But no! She's also a mother to three kids (or four, I can't remember who cares). And THEY are her first priority.

So on the last episode of RHWOC, Alexis throws her twin girls, Melania and Mackenna a birthday party. Doesn't Teresa from RHWNJ have a daughter named Melania, too? (Of course I already know she does, but I'll pose it as a question to seem like I'm unsure due to only being a casual viewer of this series and not one that DVRs all of them and memorizes all of their children's names.) Yeah, I think she does. I guess there's a trend of naming your daughters after one of Donald Trump's wives, perhaps they will grow up to marry a millionaire 28 years their senior, too. Yay! But I digress. M&M are turning four, so now is the perfect age ("when their memories begin") to throw them a birthday party they'll remember.

Alexis explains that the title of the party (because all children's parties need themes and titles, duh) is "Princesses LUV Puppies Party," although she keeps accidentally calling it "Puppy Princess Party." Oops! But I won't judge her on that faux pas as she has a lot on her plate. She explains that she came up with the idea because her daughters love both princesses AND puppies. She wants to giver her girls this amazing party both so they will have a birthday to remember and also so she can prove to the world that she can, indeed, do it all. So she orders a bunch of people to move furniture in her house and please make a party, then excuses herself to go get spray tanned upstairs. Supermom CAN do it all! I don't know how I would find the time to tell a bunch of people to make a party for my kid. So she gets spray tanned in some sort of semi-permanant tent in her, what? spraytan room? and then walks around the house in her bikini planning the rest of the party. This involves more clapping and saying yay, I am so excited for this party while dozens upon dozens of illegal Guatemalan men and women in leg shackles hand paint puppies on Swarovski crystal scepters to hand out as party favors to the other four-year olds.  Ok, that part really didn't happen, but it SHOULD HAVE.       

       

                             

The day of the party is here and everything is ready! The giant weird cake, her pre-school daughters coated in make up and tiaras, Alexis in a tiara, and the delivery of the puppies. Because you can't have a Princesses LUV Puppies party without puppies, duh.

Now, if it is one thing that the RHW series has taught me, it's that rich people are really, really charitable. It's kinda what they do. They are always busy "working on their charity" or incorporating charity fundraising into their fabulous parties or showing up to other fabulous parties thrown to support charities. THEY CARE, DAMN IT. They have all of this money and they want to give back. Alexis, bless her heart, is no different. You might say, "Alexis, you're so rich, why don't you just buy a bunch of puppies from The Puppy Store for your party and then when you're done, just turn them loose in the streets of the OC. Or better yet, give them to the chapped-lipped, dehydrated Guatemalans so they may drain them of their blood as sustenance so that they may live to serve you another day?" But no. No. Alexis does more than this. She contacts some sort of... puppy rescue organization, that... loans puppies in need of homes out to rich people to... play with for awhile? Organize a party around as a theme? Give away as party favors? Whatever, we've got puppies, you need puppies, let's make this work.

                               

So Alexis is thrilled because her daughters Melanoma and McDonnald's get to have puppies at their party, and they've been really, really wanting a puppy of their very own, but eww! Alexis doesn't want to clean up pee and poop. (After an accident, Alexis declares loudly, "We have puppy pee pee on the floor." Read: "Someone else please come clean this because I certainly won't.") She has no desire to have an actual long-term pet in the house, which I completely understand. But she goes on to explain that this birthday party for her kids is not only great for them, but a charitable event because all of the puppies are available for adoption. So she yells, "Kids, go bug your parents to take one of the puppies home!" There's nothing like getting a bunch of five-year olds' hopes up only to be crushed by their sabotaged parents' denials of fluffy puppy permanency. The looks on the moms' faces when she told their children to go beg their parents for puppies was priceless. I mean, not that SHE would want a puppy in her nice home. But other people living somewhere else, I don't know, maybe on a mountain top with a big backyard for these poor abandoned puppies to frolic in? Filthy new-money renters? Wait, honey, who are our neighbors again? Whatever, have a puppy! Fantastic! Charitable! It's win-win!

The best part was when Alexis makes a speech to introduce her twin girls, still waiting upstairs, all sad and alone, to their own party. Because you HAVE to make a grand entrance, natch. But this party isn't just about them, oh no. It's about Alexis. And she proceeds to give a graphic account of their bloody, traumatic birth and the list of drugs she was on. 



“Their mom almost passed away. I am doubled over, I can't breathe … I have a blood clot…I am on Demerol and Morphine. And that’s what this celebration today is all about.”



If you think that I wouldn't be friends with this woman, you are wrong.

Here's a clip.