Perfectly Imperfect 1

Mrs. Rebecca Paulson Needs Your Help, Blessed Friend, Part 1

I have finally found time to write, or rather, it has found me. One day at work I got one of those "Please Help Me, Dear Friend" Nigerian scam emails. I've been getting these for years, especially while working for international non-profits. I always just deleted them. But this time I wondered, what would happen if I wrote back? How far could I actually take it? How ridiculous could I be before they actually asked me to leave them alone? So I wrote back.

------------------------------

Dear Beloved ,

Greetings to you in the name of the lord my dear,i am sorry to come to you in this way and I hope that this e-mail has reached you in the right frame of Mind. I came across your profile when i was searching your country human database and my spirit do lead me to chose you, well I really needed some one honest, truthful to share my feelings and my burden with,So let me start by introducing myself to you.  

My name is Mrs Rebecca Paulson,A widow, I am a great industrialist residing in the United Kingdom but presently Hospitalize in England as well. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer .It has defied all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.   

I have not particularly lived my life so well according to God's will Though I am very rich and i do miss the only one who really cares about me, I was never been generous, I was always hostile to people and my business was the only thing I cared for.  But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends instead for them to help the needy people around the world but they are all after my life when they heard that i have limited time to live.  I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to the poor souls out there.give new lives,hopes and days but they refused and kept the money to themselves.  

Psalms 119:116 Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live, and let me not ashamed of my hope.

Psalms 138: 7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou will revive me......

Psalms 145:18 Psalms 57: 7 My heart is fixed. O God my heart is fixed, I will sing & give praise.... Psalms 51: 17 The sacrifices of God are broken spirit, a broken & contrite heart, O God thou will not despise.....

psalms 41: 1 Blessed is he that considereth the poor, the Lord will deliver him in time of trouble....

Two of my favorite verses: Philippians2:27: For indeed he was sick nigh unto death, but God had mercy on him & that on him only, but on me also,lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.( I always say this in my mind)     

Hence, I do not trust them anymore. I want you to help me claim a huge cash deposit of Five Million dollars (5,000,000) deposited in a Security Vault Company and dispatch it to charity organizations,needy people and the less privileged because it now I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity” and i hope you will agree with this also.  Get back to me so that i can tell you more of what you need to know.   

Please note that, this fund is lying in a Security company. so i need you to use the funds to help the poor,less privileged people around the world. I know this is hard, and it take a very strong heart to get this done and i do pray that you should not get carried away with this money and the money been used for the said purpose and I will be praying hard that Satan will not stop this effort.   

God bless your heart,

Sincerely,

Mrs. Rebecca Paulson

------------------------------------------

-->

Dear Mrs. Paulson,

This is such a heartwarming story! Thank you for thinking of me as someone who might help you.  I am not religious but I like helping people. I don't understand why you can't just claim the security deposit yourself? Are you too old and sick to walk there? Or call them on the phone? This is terrible. Please let me know how I can help you.

Jill

-------------------------------------------

-->

Hello Dear,

       Greetings to you my dear friend,thank you so much for writing me because this sounds like some good news you have in here for me,I say this because i do believe that  i finally found someone who is not ready to jump at once at the money and the lord is with us and he never needs our money for us to get to his kingdom. For me, it has not been easy.
 
      I'm about to have another surgery,now i am on a life support machine most of the time because my breathing get so bad most of the time and i feel i could lose it. I would have loved to call you and speak with you to be confirmed about the genuine of this email but i am on a life supporting machine and i will not be able to use a phone because phones intercept with the frequency,if not,i would have love spoken with you via the phone for better communication and understanding because the machine helps me with my breathing,but i will take my time and send you an email and as well read your mail at time to time.
 

 Anyway,i am glad you wrote me,and i am also glad for all you said in the mail. I just need you to know that i need a friend and a family because i am all alone in this world,you see,i would like you to be the person,who the money would be released to so you will be able to contact the organization you think needs help for the up keep of widows,widowers, orphans,destitute, the down- trodden, physically challenged children,barren-women and person who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially,then you will be able to keep me updated and assure me the money is been used the right way,but that is if the lord still keeps me till then.
 

You see,if you were to be over excited over money,then you would have just gone straight asking me to tell you how to have the money without thinking of your own security.
 

 I mailed you because i needed a friend,a family and a believer with strong faith who could carry out my dreams for me. I do fight this deceases, but i cannot sit and wait for time to take me away because all i have is a family who wait for me to die and get all i have. I miss life and i miss the only one who cares for me(my husband) but i will really be glad if i can have a true friend in you. I will like you to send me picture so that i can see the face of my God sent angel in accomplish my mission and i will as well sent you some of my pictures in my next email to you too.

     I will also check my diary for some of the information in which you will use to contact the Security organization in charge of the funds which was the bank,once they sees this message,they will know you are from me. I need you to use this money to touch lives,give people chances and change the little part of this world you can.

    I would also love you to visit me here in my hospital someday soon,as soon as you have the money released to you.please do pray for me and let your church pray very much for me. Waiting to read back from you as soon as possible.
  God bless you.

Thanks as i await your swift response.

Warm Regards,

Mrs Rebecca Paulson

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Paulson,

I completely understand you not being able to call, since A) I did not give you my phone number and B) you need to reserve all of your strength in this time of great sickness. It is amazing that you are able to type me such long emails while on life support! If I believed in God, I would thank Him for all of His Great Blessings to give you such endurance. But alas, I do not.

You are right, I am not the kind of person that is overly excited about money. I am more of a caring person who likes to help those in need. I would never dream of taking advantage of someone to steal their money! This is the most terrible type of person, don't you agree?

I am glad you and I are on the same page. I kindly offer my friendship to you and hope that I can help you in any way that I can, even if all I can do is bring you some small comfort through my emails. I hope your latest surgery goes well.

Your friend,
Jill

-----------------------------------------------
-->

Hello Dearest Jill,
 

How are you and hope all is well?  thanks for the reply to my mail,i would have love to call you but now i am on a life support machine most of the time because my breathing get so bad and i am going through medication now,well this are the information's you need to forward to the security company because when the fund was deposited they gave me this secret information's should in case I want to withdraw it for security purpose for them to identify my consignment which is the fund .

I would have love to give you my address now but due to some circumstances i was been placed in an undisclosed hospital here in United Kingdom until my mission is been accomplished and hopefully will give you my direct location because my late husband was just after my life when he heard that i don't have much time on this heart and hopefully knows that one day i will feel and see the God sent angel to me in accomplished my mission.

The information's are below I am giving and releasing this vital and secret information's of mine to you with trust and confidence cos I have gotten you as my next of kin to do this faithful work for God and subsequently to Human.

 Please let it be Private and Confidential.

Depositors Name : Rebecca Paulson
Batch no : 6684009xxxx
Year Deposited: 2004
Secret Question: Who is Depositor
Answer: Rebecca Paulson
Security Code: 9060004xxxx

The above are the information's you need to forward to the security company and send them your full name address and contact phone numbers so that when they approve you to receive the fund they will get in touch with you .

So contact them with their information's below.

Name of Security Company: FIDELITY BANK  PLC
Email : xxxxx_bank_fb_01@yahoo.com
           xxxbankxxxxx@gmail.com
Name of Director: Dr. REGINALD IHEJIAHI
Direct Phone Contact: +234-xxx-029-xxxx

http://www.fidelitybankplc.com/directors.HTML
 

My dearest one in Christ, please contact them with the above information’s and please make sure you send your phone number or mobile number to them for easy communications ,keep me updated as soon as they transfer the fund to you.And don't get carried away by this amount,its just money,its not half as good as good name.
 

Lastly,i will attached my picture and also the certificate of deposit for proof of funds,so make sure the certificate is been attached when contacting the security company for you to be recognized as my newly elected next of kin in claiming my fund for the said purpose. More so,my fund is a legit fund which hold nothing against the law and am putting you in position of claiming my fund due to the reason that i have limited time to live on this earth and i will prefer my money been used for the will of God.

 Note: Make sure you call the manager's phone number after sending the mail for the claim of my fund for urgent response because i really want this money to be release to you for the said mission and also i want you to please make this very confidential until the money as been transferred to you.

Always put me in your daily prayers and do not forget my wish .

God bless you.
Mrs Rebecca Paulson.

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Paulson,

Thank you for your email and the pictures you sent. I have to say, you look absolutely terrible in the photo of you right after your surgery. But it's impressive that you were still able to write me, what with all of the tubes getting in the way. And I am surprised at how you and your husband look in your younger years! You look just like a lovely couple off of Google image search or the like! Was your husband Tony Blair? He's hot! And your children are so young! That is so nice that they brought you all of those boxes of things as gifts. Who is taking care of them now that you are on life support and so very gravely ill? Perhaps you should use your money to set up trust funds to secure for their future care and educations, as that can be so very expensive these days.

Are you originally from the UK? Your style of writing is unique to the English language. I just love linguistics.

You mentioned that your late husband has been after your life once he learned that you were near death. That is terrible! Is he a ghost? Or perhaps a vampire? Or a zombie? I have heard of these terrible creatures existing. They even made movies about them. Are you familiar with the Twilight series? I bet your children are, as they are very popular with the youth these days. It's about a human teenager who falls in love with a vampire teenager, who is really not a teenager but more like maybe 600 years old or so. But forever trapped in the body of a teenager. So he keeps his physical attractiveness. Anyway, they fall in love, but they can't be together completely because the vampire doesn't want to make his human girlfriend into a vampire herself, even though she doesn't care because she loves him. And because she has romanticized his kind. And then there's a sexy werewolf, but that gets confusing. Anyway, long story short, the vampire ends up marrying the teenager and makes her a vampire too and they have a baby, who ends up growing up really fast and marrying the ex-boyfriend werewolf. This story doesn't seem very Christ-like. I always wondered if these things really existed, or if they were just made up by some crazy people. Anyway, please let me know if your husband might be a vampire.

Love,

Jill

---------------------------------

-->

Hello Jill,

Thank you my dear for writing and i do feel all what you are saying because it was not that easy doing all this thing for someone you don't really know but God knows better.

About the question you asked in your mail.... There was nothing like vampire or sort but who I'm really talking about is my late husband brother (Richard) who was just after my life when he heard that i don't have much time on this heart and hopefully knows that one day i will feel and see the God sent angel to me in accomplished my mission.

My dearest one in Christ, please contact them with the above information’s and please make sure you send your phone number or mobile number to them for easy communications ,keep me updated as soon as they transfer the fund to you.And don't get carried away by this amount,its just money,its not half as good as good name.

I'm only depending on you to accomplished this mission for me.

Waiting to read from you.

God Bless You.
Regards,
Mrs Rebeca Paulson

------------------------------------ 

Hi Rebecca,

I'm sorry I have not written in awhile, I've gotten very busy. I had this terrible rash and had no idea where it came from. It was so itchy and was spreading from my nether regions up to my stomach and my hips. I'm not sure if it was something that I ate or someone I had sex with. Hard to tell the difference sometimes. But it's better now.

How are you feeling? I hope you're not dead yet!

I will contact the bank right away.

Love,
Jill

------------------------------------------

-->

Hello Jill,

Greetings to you in the name of the lord my dear...I'm glad i still have beside me,how are you and everyone around you,hope things is working out for you as planned..Well i just mail to know if you are alright an as well the rashes hope they have all gone and i will as well want to know if you have gotten to the bank and what was their response.

 I will be waiting to read the good news from you and God bless you.

Regards,
Mrs Rebecca Paulson

--------------------------------

And then I wrote the bank.

To be continued....

The Wendy's Chronicals: Part 2

After trying and failing to find someone (someone, anyone) to go to brunch with me, I resigned to my fate of walking across the street to Wendy's to get some food. Unicornz, moaning from her hangover deathbed,  mumbled something about bringing her back two double stacks and a Frostie ("Remember, I want two. Not one. Two.")

Now Wendy's hasn't been so exciting ever since the changes they made recently. So I walked in with low expectations.  Perhaps fast and friendly service, blah blah blah, nothing unusual of note.

My God, was I wrong.

There were only a couple of people in line in front of me. Before I even placed my order, another Wendy's employee asked me what I would order so she could go ahead and prepare it ahead of time. Fantastic! I told her that I would like a number six with a baked potato instead of fries, a lemonade, and two double stacks and a Frostie. She started putting together my to-go order and I smiled, getting used to such excellent service.

And then I heard it.

Hiss.  Hissssss. 

I turned around to discern the source of the noise. The dining area was scattered with eaters, a couple hipsters, a few old people, your usual 1 PM Saturday Wendy's diners. But there she sat. The Hisser. She looked a lot like Miracle Max's wife Valerie from the Princess Bride. 

I turned back around and faced the counter. But the hissing continued. 

Hisss! Hisssssssss!!

I turned back around. There was no mistake, the woman was staring directly at me. She looked me up and down, mouth agape, twitching slightly. Then her eyes fixed on my black and white striped skirt. She froze.

"I don't like your skirt!" she shrieked. 

I stood there, frozen. She began to twitch uncontrollably. 

"I don't like it!  I don't... I..." she trailed off, jerking and mumbling. 

I turned back around again. It dawned on me that maybe the actual back and white stripe design of my skirt was giving this poor, mentally unwell woman seizures or something.  Like how that woman in England used to have seizures whenever she heard Entertainment Tonight host Mary Hart's voice. However there was not much I could do but wait for my food and book it out of there.

Just as I turned around, another customer entered and took his place in line next to me. He kinda looked like that old guy from The Simpsons:

"Hello, beautiful!" he yelled to the employees.

"Hello, sir, what may I get you," said the woman behind the counter, who looked kinda like this:

"You can get me your name, phone number and what time you get off of work!" said the man.  Oh boy, I thought. Here we go.

The employee behind the counter did not bat an eye. The man continued.

"I want a medium hot tea," he said. "With five sugars."

"Tea with sugar," the employee said and started filling a cup up with hot water. 

"I'm a recovering drug addict, you see," the man explained.

"Will that be all, sir?" the employee monotoned. 

 I could hardly contain my excitement. This is awesome, I thought. 

"Yes, just a hot tea," he said. "Did I tell you I'm a recovering drug addict? And we need a lot of sugar."

At this point another woman handed me my to-go bag and said "Thankyouhaveaniceday." I turned on my heels and walked out, the twitching hissing woman staring at my skirt as I left and the recovering drug addict clutching his tea and multiple sugar packets. 

I skipped across the street and burst through my apartment door. From deep under her covers I heard Unicornz yelp, "Woah, you're back so fast."

"I know! It was amazing! The service was fast and courteous... but Wendy's is BACK!"

And thank goodness.

(2009)

The Chef

I think my ex-boyfriend is reading my blog.

This is an ex-boyfriend from a couple years ago.  We’ll call him The Chef.  He was a sous chef at a restaurant downtown, and boy howdy did he like to talk about it! We only dated for about five months. It wasn’t very notable except for two things.

The first is a story of how we said I love you. We had been dating for three or four months and things were pretty good.  We’d see each other two or three times a week. It was usually weird hours, however, since he worked like 3-11 PM or something like that, maybe Wednesday – Sunday. So the hours were not ideal, but it was working out for the most part. I’m a firm believer in the Three Month Rule, which is something I invented in my mind. It basically states that the first three months of any relationship is the honeymoon period. You know, Best Foot Forward, still has that new relationship smell, can’t keep your hands off of each other. But something happens to you (well, at least to me) around the end of month number three. I either really like the guy and he really likes me and we move into the comfortable Boyfriend-Girlfriend Normative stage, or one of us realizes, mmm… I’m kinda over this.  Anyhoo, it was right around the three month period or so and we were in bed, doing what a new couple does in bed. Which is fuck. So we’re fucking and it’s pretty good and stuff, and all of a sudden he kinda leans in and whispers into my ear, “I love you.”

My heart kinda stops for a second. First, it’s super sweet and everyone likes to hear those three words. I’ve heard that you’re not supposed to say them for the first time, however, during sex, but I’m not too big on rules and was swept up in the moment. So I said it back. “I love you, too!”

There was a distinct pause in his thrusting. An ever so brief stiffening of the shoulder muscles. It didn’t last for more than a second until he continued on his mission, but it was noted. Hmm, I thought. That was a bizarre response. But whatever, keep going, now let's get hot dogs.

The next day we hung out, maybe got food, I don’t remember. I was leaving and I kissed him goodbye. I waited for him to say it again, or something at least indicating that we had just crossed over into the Love Zone.  But nothing.  Meh, I shrugged.  Maybe he’s not one to say it all of the time.  No biggie.

A week passed.  Still no I love yous from his end.  I begin to wonder about it but figured maybe I should just take the lead on this one.  Next time we had a kissy moment, I quietly said, “I love you.”

He stiffened again.  Looked down and picked up a cutting knife on the counter.  “This knife is great,” he said.  “We got some like this at the restaurant and so I ordered one for myself.”

"That’s fascinating," I said, and was sure that something was not right.

I let it go for awhile and later during another kissy moment, I said it again.

“I don’t think I’m ready to say that yet,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I said, confused.  “You already said it. You said it first.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did, you said it the other week.  In bed.”

“Yeah…about that,” he started.  “I didn’t say ‘I love you.’ I said something else and I think you misheard me.”

“What?  What could you have possibly said that I would have misheard you?” He was clearly hesitant.  Finally, he came out with it.

“I said… ‘I love your pussy.’  I was just talking dirty.  And you misheard me.”

I died.

Here’s this guy, getting all freaky, moaning, “Baby, I love your pussy,” into my ear, and I swell up with emotion and yell “OMG I LOVE YOU TOOOO!!!1!!11!!!”  How humiliating.

What an awesome story this will make!  Yes, that was my second thought, because I am always willing to sacrifice personal humiliation if it will result in an excellent story later.  Which it has.  So in my opinion, no harm, no foul.

That’s the first reason why The Chef was memorable. Because he brought me the hilarious “I Love Your Pussy (But Not You)” story.

The second reason is not so funny.

After about five months of dating, I woke up at his place at about 3:00 AM.  I was burning up, shaking and my throat was on fire.  Now I’m a pretty tough chic and am used to dealing with some bizarre medical stuff, but this was bad.  I’d even go as far as to say it was Peace Corps-developing-country bad.  I woke up The Chef.

“I’m sick,” I said.  “Something is really wrong.”

He grumbled.

“No, really.  I’m scared.”

“Well what do you want me to do about it?” he snapped.  Had I been healthy, I would have opened up a can.  But my focus at the moment was on not dying.

“I think I need to go to the ER.”

He sighed heavily and got out of bed.  I tried not to fall over while I pulled on some socks and pants.  We got into my car, me in the passenger seat, head slumped against the window, breathing heavily, and he drove to one of the university hospitals in the area. We walked in and I registered at the front desk.  They told us to have a seat and we’d be called as soon as they could get to me.

We sat down amidst a swarm of people suffering from something or other.  Babies crying, moaning individuals, lots of old people.  Every fifteen minutes or so an ambulance pulled up and someone was rushed by in the background on a stretcher, with what I can only assume was a gunwound.  It was busy.  As I was not bleeding from any orifice of my body, I was not priority. So we sat.

And sat.  And sat.  For five hours.  And during those five hours, The Chef sat next to me and did not touch me once.  He didn’t even speak to me or look at me once.  He sat there, stone-faced, staring straight ahead.  Pissed that he had to be here.  Not once did he put his arm around me.  Not once did he say, “How are you feeling?  Can I get you some water?  Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be ok.”  I occasionally would attempt to lift my head up and muster enough strength to ask, “Are you ok?” He ignored me.  Stared straight ahead.  I was flabbergasted.  I would have been nicer to my worst enemy in the same situation.  How hurtful, how selfish, how cruel.  What a fucking douchebag.  And here I am asking him if he’s ok!  I knew at that point that it was over.  He might as well have hit me.

After about four and a half hours of sitting in the waiting room, barely able to stay upright and both sweating through my clothes and shaking uncontrollably, The Chef finally spoke.

“I can’t take this anymore.  I’m going to cab it back to my place.  Call me when you’re home.”  He handed me my keys.

And he got up and walked out.

He left me. In the hospital emergency waiting room.

Thirty minutes later, a nurse called my name.  I rose and wobbled over to her.

“Oh honey, you look so sick,” she said, and she put her arm around me.

That did it.  I burst out crying at this simple act of kindness, finally relieved to be getting some comfort, even from a sympathetic stranger.

I had a 103.5 fever and was given some fluids in an IV for awhile.  They said it was a bad flu virus that had been going around.  This was a year before the big H1N1 outbreak, and part of me thinks that perhaps this was a precursor.  Whatever it was, it was the sickest I’d been in years.  I drove myself home in my car which had been parked in the hospital garage.  I prayed I wouldn’t be pulled over for drunk driving because I might as well have been.

I got home and crawled into bed and slept.  When I woke up several hours later, I had a text message from The Chef.

“Hey baby, did you get home?  Are you feeling better?”

Was he kidding me?  I mean, really?  Is anyone really that stupid?

I called him.  “Hi,” he said, “Are you home?”

“Yes,” I squawked.  “My overnight bag with my stuff I need is at your place,” I said.  There was no way we were going to be dating any longer, but I didn’t have the strength to deal with it now.

“Ok,” he said.  “Well I was going to go get a haircut at my barber in your neighborhood today,” he started.  Ok, I thought.  At least he’s going to bring me my bag when he comes here.  And then he finished his sentence.

“So when you come here to pick up your bag, do you think you can give me a ride back to your neighborhood?”

I was silent.  It was true.  Someone could be that stupid.

I went back to sleep and when I woke up, I realized that I shouldn’t be alone.  I called my parents and told them that I needed to come over to stay for a few days until I was better.  So I got in my car and again set out to get from point A to point B without crashing.  The Chef’s place was on the way to my parents, so I stopped by to get my bag and tell him to fuck off forever.

His other douchebag chef friend was over.  They were talking about food and how good they are at cooking it and how cool they were because they cooked food and would one day would be famous chefs, maybe even on the Food Network or something.  I was always embarrassed for them when this happened.  I told him I wasn’t staying, I wanted my bag and I was going to my parents.

“Why?” he said, completely clueless.

“Because, you asshole, I’m sick,” my voice was a scratchy, jumpy, squeaky mess.  “You do realize that this is done, right? You sat next to me in an ER for five hours and didn’t once hold my hand, you wouldn’t even look at me.  What kind of person does that to their girlfriend? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

He didn’t really have an answer.  He just muttered something about maybe needing to focus on his career right now and maybe he shouldn’t be in a relationship.

“You got that right,” I croaked as I walked out the door.  “One day you’ll realize that on your deathbed, no one cares if you were a good cook or not, they remember if you were a good person or not.  And you’re not.  And by the way, all of your food tastes like balsamic vinaigrette.”

That was the last time I ever saw him or heard from him.

Until maybe six months ago.  I suddenly got a Facebook message from him asking how I was.  Fine, I replied.  He kept making small talk and asking me questions, which I would answer but not ask any in reply.  This kept going a few times until I finally said, “The Chef, why are you emailing me?  The last time we spoke you left me in an ER.  What do you want from me?”

He said that he had been doing some thinking and felt really bad about that.  He wanted to apologize.  Oh, and by the way, he was now recently single again and just happened to be moving to my neighborhood.  We should get a drink sometime.

I told him thanks for the apology and ignored the rest of the stuff.  What a douche.  He later added me as a friend, which I allowed, only so he could see I was happily In A Relationship with someone ten times the man he’d ever be.  A couple weeks later, I deleted him from my friends.

And then two days ago I get yet another message from him on Facebook.  It said, “I like your tattoo.  What does it say?”  I recently got a tattoo which is shown in my profile photo, which would be all he could see of my page since he was deleted.  WTF?

I wrote back, “How do you know if you like it if you don’t know what it says?  It says ‘I Hate The Chef.’  Do you still like it?”  I must admit he had a really good response when he wrote “Yes. It must have really hurt.”  I laughed and said, “Ha.  Good response.”  He then went on to tell me all about his really cool new tattoos that he got.

“My right arm. Top and Bottom (Very Classy Font). 'Veni Vedi Vici,' referring to a letter sent by Caesar to the Roman senate. And 'Lucky Son' spelled out in roman numerals outlined by four chevrons to signify my executive chef status... I'm getting two more on my wrists soon hopefully.”

“Congrats,” said and then deleted his emails.  I tried to handle myself as Very Classy as his tattoo fonts were (it’s always good to point out when you’re being classy) even though I wanted to tell him to go fuck off.  I wondered at his timing, however, since I had just parted ways with my boyfriend a few weeks ago.  Funny how he seemed to email right after he was newly single and now when I was.  But how could he know?

Unless he reads my blog.

And it is for that reason that I write this post.  Just in case he does, he can now be very clear on where I stand on him and his emails, despite our relationship statuses of the moment.  Though I wish you no ill will and a long and happy balsamic vinaigrettey career in the food industry, I have no interest in ever dating you again.  Or seeing you again.  Or talking to you again.  Email me all you want, The Chef.  Much like your new tattoo's font, I will continue being Very Classy.  But in case you are wondering about my real feelings?  You only have to refer to this post to learn that you can go fuck yourself with a cactus.

(2009)

2012 Update: After the original posting of this blog, I never heard from him again.

My Old Job Sucked

I love my job. The people are great, my boss is awesome, the pay is pretty good and most importantly, I'm trusted to do what I need to do to get my job done. It's this strange sensation I've never felt before. A foreign concept that I've only read about in books. Or heard the rumors from someone who had a cousin or a friend of a friend who actually liked their job, who was... respected. Did such a thing exist, I wondered. Could there be a place where people actually trust you to get the job done that they hired you to do in the first place? A place that wants to treat their employees like human beings? HA HA HA, oh silly BlowJoy! You've always been a dreamer! But it seems I've become a believer. The feeling is not natural to me, but I'm getting used to it. Damned used to it. 

Here's an old post from a few years ago about my last super crappy job.

(September 2012)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's hard to describe how much my job sucks.  We're not allowed to have a coffee pot.  We've been told that they are both a fire hazard and because some people might find the smell of fresh brewed coffee "offensive."

I'm not allowed to have voicemail. That's right. Voicemail. I'm not sure why, and believe me, I've asked.  I think they consider it too high tech. Or that the people who call might be confused and not know how to leave a message and become upset at the poor customer service.  So we all have to answer each others' phones if one of us is away from our desk. Which is annoying but would be fine, if we didn't work for a large international humanitarian foundation, thus when someone's phone rings, the person on the other line usually is speaking a language that you do not. I'm not sure how professional that is to have an extremely frustrating, half-English, half-Whatever You Can Muster conversation, but hey, why try to use logic here?

A shining star of idiocy is our Suggestion Box at work.  HR sent out an email stating that $50 gift cards would be awarded to any employee who's suggestion was implemented that benefit employees, streamline processes or save the organization money.  For awhile, we thought that this place might be changing for the better!  We were wrong.

Below I reproduce the actual correspondence between my Awesome Coworker (AC) and HR.  This is the stuff of which comedians' dreams are made. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so very sad that these are things that actually happened in Real Life. And that I still work here. 

Pre-Tax Transit Benefit Program 

Dear HR,

Our Company should implement a pre-tax transit benefits program for employees utilizing public transportation. The RTA transit benefits program covers PACE buses, Metra and CTA trains and buses, so it can be used by employees in both the city and in the suburbs.

Impact:

• There is no charge for our Organization to participate.
•  Administration is minimal; after pre-tax deductions are selected by employees, updates from Human Resources are required in a fax once a month between the 5th and 15th of the month.
•  Pre-tax deductions save our Organization employer tax money.
•  Employees themselves choose and update their selections online; our Organization is not responsible for end-use administration.
•  Transit benefits compliment the our Organization mission and increasing environmental emphasis, such as in our recycling policy and Prius giveaway at our annual convention.
•  Transit benefits are similar to services already offered to employees, such as the flex spending plan and Weight Watchers pre-tax deduction plan.
•  Many other non-profit employers- around 2,000 employers and 83,000 employees- in the Chicago metropolitan area use transit benefits, including Our Competitor Organization.
•  Encouraging employees to use public transportation decreases wear and tear on parking facilities and frees up parking for visitors.
•  There are no minimum or maximum number of participants in the program.
•  Transit benefits are available for all employees who wish to use transit, including those who drive to work but use public transit on weekends; anyone can participate at any level.
•  Transit benefits will make our Organization an even better place to work: an EPA study in 2006 showed a majority (68%) of commuters reported a positive attitudinal shift upon awareness of employers offering commuter benefits to employees.

As the transit benefits program can be implemented at any time during the year, information on starting the program could be reviewed immediately with benefits starting in the new fiscal year.

Sincerely,
AC

Response:

Dear AC,

Thank you for your suggestion regarding the CTA/RTA Transit Benefit Fare Program.

Because this is a program that can benefit employees by reducing their taxes, our Company thoroughly researched this program not too long ago.  Unfortunately, due to the very low level of interest and participation amongst our Company’s employees it was determined that it wasn’t worth the time and administrative costs associated with implementing such a program.

Sincerely,

HR

*Awesome Coworker then went on to get a petition from 23 employees saying they would like to participate in a pre-tax transportation program. When ignored, she emailed the Manager of HR. 

Dear Head of HR,

I was wondering if you would have time to meet with me in the next week or two regarding a potential pre-tax transit benefit program offered by CTA/RTA. I have briefly discussed the program with Two HR Members but I have been doing some additional research and I'd like to go over it with you quickly. The program costs our Company nothing, has minimal administration and is similar in nature to programs such as the flex spending plan or the Weight Watchers pre-tax deduction plan. It also has no fixed start or end date or minimum or maximum number of participants, so it does not require an "open season" like some other benefits. 

I expect that this would take no more than 15 minutes of your time. I appreciate the opportunity to discuss this important benefit with you and my schedule is fairly open in the next two weeks.

Thank you,
AC

Response: 

Dear AC,

I really do not have time to meet regarding this topic.  I have been advised that you have already had correspondence with our Company’s Comp. and Benefits Coordinator who is responsible for benefit administration on this topic.  As part of that correspondence, you have been advised of our procedure for reviewing benefits including our time table.  Therefore, there is nothing more that can be accomplished by a meeting with me on this topic at this time.

-Head of HR

---------------------------------------------

Employees Cannot Be Trusted/Might Be Murderers:

Dear HR,

I suggest that HR hang a small sign near the plastic utensils in the lunchroom reminding people that bringing their own silverware can save thousands of pieces of litter in the landfill annually.

Encouraging people to bring their own spoons and forks saves the association the cost of buying the plastic utensils, the cost of trash removal and benefits the environment.

Studies show that suggestions are most effective when phrased as if they address the majority, i.e., "Many people find that using their own silverware saves money and the environment. Thanks for doing your part!"

Response:

Dear AC.,

Thank you for your suggestion, received regarding hanging a sign in the lunchroom reminding employees to bring in their own utensils so as to cut down on use of plastic utensils.

Your suggestion was reviewed by upper management and, although the association is all for reducing waste and encouraging employees to re-use and recycle, the decision was made not to post a sign.  Reason being, we don’t want to give the impression that we are encouraging employees to bring knives in to the workplace. 

Thank you again for your suggestion.  

-HR 

-----------------------------------------------

We're Too Lazy To Think Of A Real Reason:

Dear AC,

Thank you for your suggestion regarding having battery recycle bins here at our Company.

Although we think that recycling of any kind is an excellent idea, the suggestion does not fall under the criteria to become an employee suggestion box winner.  That is because it does not benefit employees, streamline processes or save the association money. 

None the less, HR Guy did look into the possibility of having a battery recycling program here at our Company.  However, the final decision was made by senior management not to implement such a program.

-HR

-----------------------------------------------

When All Of The Clocks In The Building Are Off By 15-60 Minutes, It Does Not Meet Criteria:

Hi AC.,

Thank you for your suggestion regarding the synchronization of all building and computer clocks. 

Your idea was submitted to building services and they are going to handle this as a work order. 

However, although this is a good suggestion and was worth passing along, it does not qualify to be a suggestion box winner because it does not fall under the following criteria:

• directly benefit employees 
• streamline processes
• save the association money

Thank you again for submitting your idea!

-HR 

*Shortly after, all of the clocks were synchronized to the same, correct time. At this point, I think AC just got off on fucking with HR.

Hi HR,

I see that my suggestion of setting the clocks to tell the same time has (mostly) been implemented. Hopefully the HR department will continue to utilize suggestions and make our Company a more efficient place to work.

Best,
AC

Response:
Hi AC,

It's funny that you should mention this because I had forwarded your suggestion to building services and hadn't heard back yet one way or the other.  My gut feeling is that as much as we try to keep all the clocks in the building synchronized it will never be perfect.  Each clock may run slightly slower or slightly faster than the others which means that over time they will get out of sync again. 

However, I will let you know once I hear back from Building Services.

Thanks!

HR

------------------------------

Because We Are Sick Of Rinsing Out Our Cups And Bowls In The Disgusting, Clogged Bathroom Sinks In The Disgusting, Stinky Bathroom:

Dear AC,

Thank you for your suggestion regarding installing a utility sink with a garbage disposal in the cafeteria.

As handy and convenient as that would be to be able to wash our lunch dishes at work rather than bringing home dirty containers, we have chosen not to install a garbage disposal unit in the lunch room for safety reasons.  There is the potential risk for injured fingers or hands if someone decides to reach their hand in to retrieve a jammed piece of silverware, for example. 

Thank you again for your suggestion, 

HR

*Several months pass. Staff receives an email congratulating Another Coworker on her being the $50 Suggestion Box Gift Card Winner, as they have accepted her suggestion of installing a utility sink in the cafeteria. AC cannot resist sending HR an email, attaching her previous rejection email suggesting the same thing months prior:

Hi HR,

I just heard that a utility sink for the lunch room has been approved per a suggestion from the suggestion box. Can you provide more details?

Thanks,

AC

Resonse:

Hi AC,

I will be posting information regarding the new sinks in the next few days.  I saw your previous suggestion and I believe the issue had to do with installing a garbage disposal.  This new sink does not have a garbage disposal. 

Thanks,
HR

AC Fights To The Death:

 Hi again, HR,

Actually, it was specifically regarding the hygiene of people washing their dishes in the bathroom and was mostly focused on the utility sink; the garbage disposal was mentioned but the sink was the primary idea.

AC

Response:

Dear AC,

Because a portion of your suggestion two years ago has now been approved, we would like to give you partial credit by offering you three $10 gift cards of your choice.  These are the cards leftover from Christmas and you can choose from Borders, Dunkin Donuts and/or McDonalds.  Please let me know what you would like.

Thanks,

HR   (2009-2010)